Good News

Tags

asperger's syndrome, autism, decision making, high functioning autism, independence, problems solving, transition

Mary received the news that she passed the road test, and will be taking driving instruction from the local rehabilitation driving program. They think she needs 40 hours of on-the-road instruction. They have to send it into the state for approval, but it should start soon. This is a huge step for Mary and for our family.

Our friends and family have often commented about how much time we spend carting our kids around. But if we didn’t, where would they be now? We do so much for them, but the goal is independence. The goal is for them to do it themselves. It always has been. The issue with autism is that it just takes much more time, much more hands on direction, much more intentional forethought (if possible – sometimes we can’t forethink everything). It is so great, though, when they figure things out for themselves.

I think that Mary is better at creative thinking than Will is.

Will is much more rigid and he always wants to do everything right. He wants to be able to predict how the next thing will happen, and he has a little difficulty when things don’t go as planned. But that may be one of things that helps him understand computer languages. He has gotten much better at being flexible. He has gotten lost a few times in his new city and he has figured out how to get around. Smart phones with maps are wonderful. He says Google Maps is not so accurate. This week he has to figure out what to do about his car – it seems the starter is going out. We are helping with suggestions, and his father will drive over tomorrow to look at  and help him.

Mary, on the other hand, is always thinking about her goals. One of her goals is independence – being able to take care of herself and have her own apartment. So she has set about to learn cooking, laundry, and cleaning. She rides the bus to some of her appointments. Sometimes when the next bus is coming in 45 minutes, she decides to go out for Chinese or burgers. Or go to the thrift store. She is more creative in her thinking.

 

Steps toward independence – Miracle needed.

Tags

asperger's syndrome, autism, disability, independence, miracle, need, special needs

My older daughter Marie is having difficulty achieving the next steps toward independence.

It has been difficult to find a job…her handicap is more evident than her brother’s. Her learning disabilities, while much improved, hamper her. Spelling IS important. She may not be able to spell well, but she can write a decent paragraph. Maybe dictation would work for her. She is good with numbers. Very good. She loves accounting. (Boring, utterly boring, in my opinion.)

This next week she is going to have an on-the-road driving test to see if she is capable of learning to drive. We received her in-house evaluation and she still has some of the deficits that resulted in the prohibition of driving lessons three years ago. But those deficits have improved enough that she is going to be allowed to take the road test.

Her brother has moved 70 miles away for his new job. She said she would like to hunt for accounting work in his city because the busing system is so much better and there are more openings in her field. However, she needs to find out if she can take driving lessons. If she passes, she will need to stay home to be instructed in driving. If she fails, she can look for work in her brother’s city right away.

Inability to drive is a barrier to employment in America, where the cities are far apart and public transportation is inadequate except in the biggest cities. In our city, she makes the decision about whether to apply for work or send a resume based on whether the location is on the bus line. Many positions are in the suburbs where there is no bus service.

She has developed many skills in her quest for independence. She can cook, do laundry, clean, and hunt for work. She can ride the bus independently and she enjoys walking downtown and taking herself out to lunch or meeting me for lunch.

She needs a miracle. Waiting for the next step is difficult. It seems an insurmountable barrier, a wall to climb over. However, she has surprised us before and probably will again.

I am praying that she will be a blessing to those who hire her and that they will be glad that they hired her.

Mothering – close at hand.

While all the attention lately has been on Will because of his new job, new apartment, and new adventures away from home, there is still mothering to be done close at  hand.

Mary, Will’s older sister, has been looking for work since December 2010. She faces more barriers to employment than Will. Her autism is more apparent, she wants to work in accounting, and her spelling is poor. So far, she cannot drive. Later this month, she will be tested again by the rehabilitation hospital to see if she can take driver’s training. When she tested for it three years ago, she was prohibited from taking driver’s training. She gets interviews at least twice a month, but never gets beyond the interview.

Still, Mary is hopeful. She keeps applying. She keeps going to interview practice with a local Asperger’s specialist. She keeps volunteering two afternoons a week at one of the local homeless shelters in accounts receivable. And she has a phone interview with the Red Cross next week doing the same sort of work with donations that she is doing at the homeless shelter. Pray.

Will’s younger sister, Patty, finished her final exams last week and is looking for work this week as well. She really feels the urgency this year because her financial aid package is not as generous as it has been.

There is plenty of encouraging and mothering still to be done on the home front.

Mothering from afar

Tags

asperger's, autism, independence, mother, mothering

Okay, it’s not that far. But Will is in his own apartment 70 miles away and he is sick. When Ralph told me last night that Will had a sore throat, of course the first thing I thought was, What if he has strep? What if he needs to go to the doctor; he doesn’t have a doctor there. The “What If’s” plague me.

But I wait. I don’t call him up and tell him to go the doctor. He is sleeping. The next morning when he talks to Ralph on the phone, he tells Ralph that his nose is running and he has a sore throat. (Okay, I tell myself – it’s probably not strep).

When I talked to him tonight, he said that he forgot to bring any medicine and had to suffer the day without it. That’s a rough day, I tell him. And we talk about how he can help himself the next day. I urge him to drink some hot tea, but he resists. He has never liked hot drinks. I ask him if he is drinking enough fluids. The same kind of conversations that I had with my mother when I was his age and living 70 miles away some 30 years ago. I am too far away to bring him chicken soup, but I encourage him to eat some.

I suppose that most of what I have done for my son the last few weeks could be categorized as mothering. When I talk to my 76-year-old mother, she engages in mothering from afar as well (over 1,000 miles away- from Florida).

When the enemy asks questions about disability

Tags

asperger's, autism, disability, faith, questions

I had a lot of these questions.

This is an excellent article

When The Enemy Asks Questions About Disability

http://sheepdogger.blogspot.ca/2012/05/when-enemy-asks-questions-about.html

Read this excellent article by Greg Lucas by pasting the address above into your address line. He has written a book “Wrestling with an Angel.”

Independence – report 1

Tags

asperger's, autism, career, high functioning autism, independence, transition

Will has spent his first weekend without us. And he is making strides in beginning his own life independently.

With all the technology that keeps us connected, we know a lot of what he did this weekend. When I went away to college, I survived on letters (real mail) and a 10 minute phone call once a week. We hear from Will daily, sometimes more than once a day to different members of the family. Eventually, there will come days when he is too busy to call or we are too busy.

He got his first paycheck, which was one more indication that this job is the real thing. He told me early in the day that he was going to buy a new 3-quart saucepan at Meijer, even if he had to pay full price. Later, he was excited to tell me that he found what he needed at Goodwill: a 3-quart saucepan and a silverware sorter for the silverware drawer; both at a 90% savings over buying them new. (His stint working at a Goodwill warehouse around Christmas time this past year opened his eyes to the bargains at Goodwill). He told me what he bought at the grocery store – five items. Not what I would have bought, but his choice. What he felt he needed. I remember having the same dialogues with my mother when I started out on my own (with my husband).

When he did his laundry this week, he told me that he ironed all of his work clothes because he didn’t want any wrinkles. Wow.

On Sunday afternoon, he told his Dad that he went to a small group meeting at his church, with eight couples of varying ages, and had dinner with them. He found out that at the church he has chosen (been led to) there is another young man working at this same large corporation, a bit further along in the process, another person who is a programmer. And a professor of computer science at huge state university who is responsible for luring giant corporation to open a branch in Will’s city. Amazing.

This coming weekend we are planning to see him again, with all of us this time. His younger sister, Patty, is finally done with exams, so she has time to go. She said, she finally had the freedom to really miss him, and let herself feel her emotions. She is the only one who hasn’t seen his apartment.

We will bring him a few items, plus homemade cookies. I am on vacation this week, so I have time to do some baking.

Separation Anxiety; Ironing Lessons

Tags

asperger's, autism, high functioning autism, independence, transition

All of a sudden, Will has left the harbor. His home is another place. He has more freedom and more responsibility. But they are his freedom and his responsibilities. I am not in charge anymore. I reminded myself of this inwardly multiple times as I transition to suggestion mode from being in charge.  This is his home, not mine. As head of his own household, he prays at meals for everyone.

Mary and I went to visit him for the weekend and bring more of his stuff. By staying overnight, I had a better sense of what he still needs and how to advise him. We slept on air mattresses, too. We went shopping at thrift stores for household supplies. We bought more plates and an ironing board. We didn’t find a three quart sauce pan or any pan lids; scarce commodities apparently. We went to Meijers and bought medicine, more food, and a travel iron.

I wanted to show him how to get his dress clothes out of the dryer in the laundry room at his apartment building so that there were very few wrinkles. The clothes didn’t come out as wrinkle free as I had hoped, although they weren’t bad. Still, it is good to have dress pants and oxford shirts wrinkle free. His position is a one to three year contract with benefits. Some of these employees get hired in; a good impression is important.

Yesterday, we took all his dress clothes out of the closet and I gave him and his sister ironing lessons. At home, I rarely need to iron, so my lessons in the past were half hearted.   But this time, their attention to the fine points of ironing were closely observed. Both Will and Patty picked it up quickly. This time, the lessons are very practical. Learning something new at just the right time with additional opportunity for practice is effective learning.

I noticed how limited his wardrobe is. I suggested that as soon as he could afford it, he should add to it. We also began a list of what he still needs to buy when he gets his first paychecks. It is his house; they are his responsibilities; his choices, but I do have some experience to offer. When we were first married, we lived in an apartment. My husband was surprised at the things that I thought we needed.

He took us to his church today for Sunday services. He looked it up on the Internet  and attended last Sunday. He told us that he liked the church. The people were very friendly and the pastor’s teaching was theologically sound. Both his father and I were concerned that the church wasn’t big enough to have other single people his age for fellowship. He has grown up in our church with 600 people. At our church, however, there are not many opportunities for fellowship with people his own age – a deficit at our church for our children who are out of college and not following the traditional route to marriage and children.

I went to church with him this morning with the intention to voice my suggestions on whether this was a good church or not; and I felt a tug in my spirit that this was not my choice anymore; it doesn’t matter if I approve. Nevertheless, I was impressed with his choice. The people are friendly. The pastor is a good, practical teacher. The church is not as traditional as our church. There were no hymnals, everyone sang with words projected on the walls. There is no Sunday night service. They have small group meetings every other Sunday. (I wish that our church would do this). He was invited to attend one of them this week. I suggested after church that he look at the schedule and see where he could participate. He thought that was a good idea.

I am surprised that this is so hard; Letting go is harder than I thought it would be, but other parents, normal parents tell me that they found it difficult as well; shocking to them as well. When my kids were little, they had separation anxiety. Now I am feeling that anxiety on the other end of parenthood. Having child is having your heart walk around outside your body for the rest of your life. That saying is true.

(Well this entry rambles a bit and I am not satisfied with the working title. This entry might be a good candidate for my writing group in a few weeks.)

Overwhelming

Tags

asperger's, autism, high functioning autism, independence, job, transition, work

Will has lived in his own place on his own for the first time in his life for five days.

He has done laundry, rudimentary cooking, and navigated his way around town (our town). But now he is doing all these things, making all these choices without (much) input from us. And he is lonely. Our family is very tight knit and we talk all the time. He said the hardest times are when he sits down to eat. By himself.

He is looking for events and/or group meetings to attend. He wants to meet people. And I wonder how he will do. We have encouraged him to find a church where he can meet people. And to find some volunteer activities that he can do after work or on Saturdays. But he is still living alone. That is a very different experience for him.

I don’t have much experience with living alone. The few short periods that I lived alone without knowing anyone were unpleasant to me. I lived with my family, and then a variety of roommates, and then married. My husband has a lot more experience in living alone. He can talk to Will about living alone far more experientially.

I am going to visit Will this weekend with my oldest daughter and bring him some more stuff from our house. And donuts from Marge’s Donut Den. We are going thrift shopping again, for decorations and furniture. And we are planning to play some games.

I tell him that when I was his age (1984), it costs 20 cents a minute to call long-distance. I could only call my parents once a week, for a very short time. I had to share a phone with my roommates. My husband didn’t have a phone; he had to use a pay phone to call his mother. Now, although we pay a lot for our phones each month, it doesn’t cost anything extra beyond the initial bill for each phone call we make.  So we watched American Idol last night “together.”

Moving

Tags

asperger's, autism, high functioning austism, independence, moving, transition

We moved Will over the weekend, making two trips back and forth to his apartment 70 miles away from home. We were told that it was amazing that we found an apartment that they rented to Will and let him move in the same day. They accepted my check (which was also unusual) because they don’t take payment by debit card. It has been 25 years since we rented an apartment, so we were complete novices.

We had loaded the car with all sorts of odds and ends of furniture, kitchen supplies, and other things. As we unpacked his stuff, we realized that he needed so much more. So we came back the next day with his desk, his computer, a table, and more pots, dishes, and utensils. We filled his cupboards and refrigerator with food.

The first day alone has been rough.

Wings

Tags

aspergar's syndrome, autism, high functioning autism, independent living, work

One morning a few days before graduation from college, I dreamed I was a fledgling black bird, and I was running around chasing my parents (who were birds, too) trying to get food from them. I woke at that moment, but that picture has remained with me all these years.

Tomorrow I will be going with my son to help him look for temporary, economy housing in a city that is too far to commute to easily. He is starting his first post-college job.

The ship is venturing out of the harbor. And taking all sorts of flotsam and jetsam with him. Valuable (to him) clutter is going out to the car. This works better than my annual spring purge of unused stuff. (I always give up before my house is completely purged.)

“Mom, you don’t use this little crock pot, do you? How about this lamp? Here are some pans you never use.” “Nobody is using that printer – I could take that?”

His dad says, “Don’t take all the socks!” I say, “Make sure you take some towels and hand towels. Look in the cupboard and take some food.”

This is an entirely different from sending my daughter to college a few years ago. She wanted cute new stuff for her dorm room to set up a bedroom in a new place. She didn’t mind spending money (our money) to do so. My son is setting up house, and he wants to spend as little as possible. He is happy to take some of the items I no longer use.

College involves wings with tethers. Setting up house in another city is taking the training wheels off.